Monday, March 2, 2009

Wrapping Up

It really started to hit me yesterday. It was rainy outside, I had a bladder infection and a headache. Sonya was wearing a super soft fleece bunny outfit and looked so cute. I sat across the table from hubbs while he gave Sonya a bottle at breakfast, soaking it all in. I was gloomy, grumpy and I still can't shake it.

I'm going back to work in 9 days. How did 5 months go by so quickly? Where did the time go? I have appreciated every second of every day that I have been with our child. I am lucky, a lot of companies have shorter maternity leaves, but it still just does not seem like long enough.

Staying home is not an option. Living in Northern California is EXPENSIVE , even during this crappy economy, thus requiring two incomes to have a decent lifestyle. You don't know how many times I think about moving to somewhere else where it is cheaper to live where I can stay at home. But then you give up being close to family, friends and the place you called home. Both of our families live here. I want my daughter to know her grandparents and not just see them at major holidays. I think about this A LOT. A lot more than I tell hubbs. I know I would be so alone living so far away. My mom is my best friend, I see her about every couple of days, I can't imagine being a 5 hour plane ride away instead of a 10 minute drive.

I hope that once I get back to work, I start feeling better. I think everything will work out in my head. I will be working from home two days a week so Sonya will only be in daycare three days a week, but I just can't shake the guilt that I know is so common to moms going back to work. I know once I am back in the office interacting with my fellow colleagues, who also have kids in daycare, that my spirits will lift, but until then I am blue. I keep trying to soak it all in. I don't want to share Sonya with anyone. I want her all to myself. Seriously, look at this face, how could to you not?

We went to dinner last week with hubbs' grandparents who try to see Sonya as much as possible. While hubbs' grandma sat holding Sonya, I just wanted to reach across the table and grab her from her. I didn't want to share her! I feel bad for being like this, but in a sense, I feel like I have the right to be like this. I am going back to work soon, and I don't want to share. I'm the mom. Period.

The other day I asked my mom (who is a teacher) if she thought that kids that had a stay at home mom had different relationships with their moms than those whose mom's worked while they were little. She simply said "no". We then talked about the two of us and how my mom worked when I was a baby and how she is my best friend now. I did not feel abandoned when I was little because my mom worked. In fact, I actually looked up to her. Even at a young age, I realized the amount of items she could tackle in one day. I admired all that she could do; make use healthy lunches, get us to school on time, get herself to work on time, pick us up from daycare, fix a fabulous dinner (she IS the best cook I know), help us with our homework and still have time to give us undivided attention whenever we needed it. But most of all, we were so loved. I always was taken care of and nurtured without being spoiled. I hope that my daughter can look up to me like the way I look up to my mom.

Each day back at work will get a little easier, but I know there will still be those days that I picture me, hubbs', Sonya, Lucy and Patty all packed up in a U-Haul headed for some place more affordable, where I can stay at home, and be with my Sonya every morning, day and night.


Christy said...

I am sorry you are feeling sad. We live in New Jersey, which also has a very high cost of living. It is tough living off one income - we have lots of credit card debt. Sometimes I feel like I should go back to work to help out financially. So you'll feel guilty either way.

Jeninacide said...

I think Christy is right... you probably feel guilty either way. I don't really feel guilty at all about leaving Cole except on days like today when he is sick... it's like "I wish I could just stay home and hold you- but the second mortgage is due on the 15th!"

MarvelousMOM said...

Being home with her for 5 months is so awesome. Very lucky. Our work only allows up to 12 weeks. I am struggling still with the decision of working or not working. Ideally, I would like a part time job...but I just don't know. Financially it is so tough I think.

And she is beautiful. I wouldn't want to share or leave her either.

Marni's Organized Mess said...

I'm right around your bend... believe me, I understand.

That pic is so cute.

Lindz said...

She's getting so big! Sorry to hear about the bladder infection, I can think of nothing worse... I am such a wimp when it comes to anything awry down yonder.

I have a new blog site... won't you follow?

Midwest Mommy said...

I feel so bad for you. I know it is such a tough thing to do. I couldn't do it and quit my job 3 weeks before the school year was to start. One income is so hard and I look forward to going back to work one day so we can buy all those things we have put on hold for right now.